Drawing a Line in the Sand
Written by Ellen Hogan
“Boundaries” has become a major buzzword over the past few years (and for good reason). Good boundaries can make the difference between being taken advantage of and sustaining long-term relationships and excellent mental health. But notice I said GOOD boundaries. Not just any boundaries. There’s a fine line between having self-respect and pushing people away. Here are some points to think about when looking at your relationships.
We all know that this is the perfect time of year for a refresh--adding new goals, new intentions, and new mindsets to the new year. What have you told yourself you’d accomplish this year? What are the goals and aspirations of the people you surround yourself with? Do they align?
It’s difficult to run in one direction while the people around you are running another way. For example, if you are trying to pay off debt and save money but your friends are constantly going out for dinner or drinks, you’ll often be tempted to join.
STEP 1: share your goals
First off, if your friends and family have no idea what your goals are, it will be nearly impossible for them to support you in them. So, the first step is telling them what you’re working towards. And call them if you’re struggling or need help. What good are your resources if you don’t use them?
STEP 2: tune into yourself
Your body will tell you when you’ve hit your personal limit. Whether you become frustrated easily, get sensitive and sad, feel drained or even squirmy, your body will give you cues of when it needs a break or to leave a situation. Learn how to read your own emotional cues, so that you don’t take out your burnout on other people.
STEP 3: offer alternatives
In order for people to support your goals, you’ll need to offer alternatives. For our finance example, recommend free activities like hiking, game night, or a potluck as alternatives to going out. That way, people won’t think you don’t want to spend time with them, but rather need to pursue your own goals.
STEP 4: give gentle reminders
It’s important to remember that it’s not anyone else’s job to remember what you’re working toward or help make them happen. Your goals are on you, my goals are on me, their goals are on them. At some point, you’ll need to remind someone of your goals, so don’t get frustrated having to repeat yourself. Have patience.
STEP 5: know your weaknesses
Your girl here struggles with FOMO, but over the years I’ve come to learn that sometimes you’ll have to miss out on fun things to reach your goals and protect your heart. If you can’t financially swing a girls trip, you may just have to decline and miss out. If you’re not drinking alcohol, it may be less tempting for you to skip the bar on some nights. If you often get taken advantage of, maybe you need to take a step back and reassess yourself and your relationships. You have to know yourself.
STEP 6: accept that not everyone will respond well
Keep in mind that some people don’t respond well to your boundaries. But remember their response shouldn’t change your actions. Occasionally friendships will end, and as sad as that is, it’s okay. If someone doesn’t want to be a part of your journey, you don’t want them there anyway. True friends will cheer you on. That doesn’t make them a bad person by any means, they likely just have their own things that they’re pursuing. So don’t take it personally.
STEP 7: don’t try to fix people
Keep in mind that everyone is on their own journey. What you may see as helpful may come across as condescending or bossy if someone isn’t in the right headspace to receive it. As much as people like me love to see the potential in other people, we need to remember that everyone is dealing with their own stuff under the surface. View them with grace and patience and take them as they are, not as you’d like for them to be.
The most important part of setting boundaries is learning WHERE they are. Sometimes that means tripping over them a few times, but at the end of the day, you are responsible for the steps you take. Why would you keep stepping in the spots you know will bring you down? Look, no one said setting boundaries was easy, but your mental/physical health, wallet, and relationships will be better off in the long run.
What are some boundaries you’re recognizing lately? Are you having a hard time setting them? We are here for you! Send us a DM or email and reach out. We are in this together!
